Nigeria: Buhari Protests Trump, FBI Denigration of Naija Image

A big diplomatic storm is brewing between America and Naija over recent reports targeting Naija 419 kingpins based in America. Usually unreliable sources confirmed that before jetting off to Japan where an official geisha met him, President Buhari spent several hours with the leaders of an almajiri group of protesters unhappy that the FBI wanted list did not reflect federal character principles.

Numbering thousands, the almajirai protesters were said to have come from various parts of the north ravaged by poverty and Boko Haram insurgency. They were reported to have carried placards mostly written in ajame lamenting the lack of investigation or prosecution of any member of the cabal responsible for their plight. According to Gulma News reporter who saw the protesters, some placards were raised upside down expressing shock at how slow the wheel of justice is catching up with Babachir Lawal whose grasscutting contract led to the death of several internally displaced persons.

The protesters wanted the FBI to look into Kofar Maina or Mainagate saga. They expressed disappointment to Sai Baba and his American counterpart for not beaming their searchlight on those who unleashed Boko Haram on the country. Gulma News reported to have seen a petition where they wondered how camels are strolling through the eye of Buhari’s anti-corruption needle while cats are having a hard time squeezing through. They cited Gandollar walking free in spite of video evidence of him shuffling dollars into his babar riga, and asked what happened to Farouk Lawan whose video evidence went viral.

The protesters wanted prosecution of northern millionaires with no visible means of livelihood adding that if the FBI did its job properly, the latest list would have reflected federal character. They asked that emergent millionaires from the southwest who were objects of musical ululation by famous musicians from the area should have featured on this list. In the letter to Trump and the FBI director, the protesters argued that ‘fraud; like corruption must reflect federal character’ adding that ‘all regions have them.’

Sai Baba was said to have met with the leaders of the group in an IDP camp near Abuja before jetting out to Japan. He promised to talk things over with Trump as equals. He argued that a list reflecting federal character would neither be in their regional nor strategic religious interest. Gulma News quoted an anonymous official as saying that the cardinal objective of the government is to fight other people’s corruption and to create the impression that corruption is a regional and not a class thing.

President Buhari was quoted telling the protest leaders that Oyo-Ita and Fowler would have to suck it up and continue or leave and risk the consequences. The protesters agreed to stay in their respective IDP camps or get to town and do some panhandling.

Meanwhile, Arsehole Rock sources have confirmed that Sai Baba has sent a strongly worded protest letter to the Americans threatening to repatriate Naija experts helping American people live the American life. Gulma News, which reported to have seen a copy of the letter, quoted, the Naija president expressing shock that Trump betrayed camaraderie by not granting prior information before the story went out that Naija residents in the habroad of the US were scammers.

Buhari reminded the Americans that Jelani Aliyu, a Katsina-born and bred Naija designed one of America’s most environmental-friendly vehicle – the Chevrolet Volt. Buhari said Trump was yet to acknowledge Aliyu’s contribution to the survival of the American auto industry saying he may ban the man from returning to America since he is currently in Naija helping us to develop a homemade Okada.

The Naija leader threatened to place adverts in CNN celebrating the feat of Dr. Benneth Amalu who linked concussion to American football. He reminded the FBI that Dele Olojede won a Pulitzer Prize in news reporting, beating his American counterparts. Buhari proudly informed Trump that Naija trained physician, Dr. Oluyinka Olutoye performed the first scientifically proved born-again operation in history. “In case you are unaware,” Buhari wrote, “Dr. Olutoye operated on an unborn baby and reinserted the foetus back into its until gestation time and the child was born deformity free. A feat like this should eternally feature on global news more than the activities of a few crooks milking love-sick Americans.”

Buhari reminded Americans that twice in the past four years, Naija whiz kids have won several awards in robotics beating their American counterparts. President Buhari wants Trump and the FBI to apologize for attempting to soil the good image of Africa’s most populous nation threatening to withdraw Naija-born eggheads from American media, academia and the sciences. The Naija wrote “if I withdraw Oyelowo, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Laide Wilson, Nonso Alozie or even Chimamanda Ngozi Adizie from American pop culture, your bubble is burst. American NFL would be nothing without notable Naija players.”

Gulma News reported Buhari as accusing the Americans of doing nothing to some critics who use their American base to expose the double standard at home. They quoted an unnamed Arsehole Rock source as saying “Omoyele Sowore is one before we got him. Farooq Kperogi is another we are after. These people think that nothing good comes from Naija but Trump hasn’t repatriated them here to be charged to mosquitoes and malaria.”


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Publish date : 2019-08-28 05:34:55

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